Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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