WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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