theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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