i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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