im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
