He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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