oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
