This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
