Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
