just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
