you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
