yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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