I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
