so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
