Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
