never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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