My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
