remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
