Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
The uberlube is also flammable
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
