I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
