It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
