Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
