You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
