There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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