Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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