awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
my liver is dry heaving
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
