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You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
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