K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
