I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
