I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
barbara walters just said penis...
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
