life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
