theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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