Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
