she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
