You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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