quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
