I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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