I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
