i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
