if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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