i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
