Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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