Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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