Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
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