That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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