i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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