I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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