First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
