Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
