I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
