Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
